Dear William Faulkner,

Dear William Faulkner,

If I were magically endowed with the ability to travel through space and time, I would hurtle my way back to 1897 Mississippi and dip your teeny baby fingers in acid, thus ensuring that poor college students would never have to endure your variety of damaging literary allergens.

If you still managed to write with your horrifically disfigured nubbins, I will be obliged (for the betterment of collective world sanity and good taste) to dash back again and torch any possible reference to the Family Snopes, single-handedly the most tedious and brain-anaesthetizing collection of creatures ever to have been vomited onto a piece of paper.

If these efforts - selflessly performed for the benefit of all mankind – fail, I will have no other choice than to go completely eeeeeerk and sterilize both of your parents by way of death.

Always the best,
Munky