Dear pigeons,

Dear pigeons,

I hate you because I'm afraid you'll shit in my mouth.

Best,
Munky

Dear Adobe,

Dear Adobe,

Your shitting little software bug in Creative Suite has cost me 6 hours of my very precious time.

And all I needed to do was change the time zone from GMT-Cardiff to GMT-London. THAT WAS IT. 6 hours of resetting the shitting PRAM, updating pre-bindings, resetting the NVRAM, multiple reinstallation of the OS and of Creative Suite, cleaning caches, running fucking fsck, dumping preferences, fixing the bloody permissions; all the while looking like the complete fucking moron who shitted up the poor designer's computer. And all I needed to do was to change the bloody time zone.

How the fuck was I to know that you don't like the Welsh?

Love,
Munky

P.S. Oi, a little mention on your pocking little support site would have saved me all this stress and time.

Dear Pronunciation Police,

Dear Pronunciation Police,

Despite my years in the UK and my ever-rounding vowel sounds, there are still some words I still can’t enunciate without sounding like the small-town corn-fed Midwestern redneck I am.

I present to the court the word ‘yogurt’. No matter my laborious efforts, no matter your guffaws of mockery, no matter your rigorous pronunciation training program, I will always say it with a twang that suggests in-breedin’ and off-roadin’.

Love,

Munky

P.S. The word ‘bollocks’ shits me up, too. Bollocks. Bollocks.

See? Aw, bollocks.

Dear my stomach,

Dear my stomach,

If I give you some candy, will you shut the fuck up?

Kisses,

Munky

Dear smoking,

Dear smoking,

I love you. I love how you make me smell bad, which is OK because I have a boy who smells bad, too.

I love you. I love how fellow smokers give me the nod off appreciation and encouragement.

I love you. I love how I can be mean to people I don’t like by blowing smoke on then and blame it on ‘wind change’.

I love you. I love how you make me feel satisfied and happy 20 times a day by merely fulfilling an addiction need.

I love you. I love how you make me look ‘well hard’, cool and sexy.

I love you. I love how a burning cigarette can also be used as a weapon against all the really mean people in Camden.

I love you. I love how you make me friends through our common love of smoking.

I love you. I love how I spend more time outdoors because of you.

I love you. I love how you make me enemy through the simple act of having smouldering dried leaves touch my lips. It is way better than the days when doing something really bad would make me enemies!

I love you,
Munky

Dear the people who call me a 'commie liberal',

Dear the people who call me an 'anti-American commie liberal',

I suffer a mental mêlée with the moral dichotomy of being pro-choice and anti-capital punishment. Both are legalized killing, making my stance on each hypocritical. At least I admit it.

I am a small town American.

I am a Londoner.

I am wary of any actions taken or laws enforced on theory alone, i.e.:
The war in Iraq.
GM foods.
Global warming.
Gun control.

I am fully aware that there are genuine motives for said actions and laws, i.e.:
The war in Iraq.
GM foods.
Global warming.
Gun control.

But it still doesn’t always make them right.

If you read the above stories, you’ll just wind up being as confused as their categorisation within this text.

Repulsive, hateful, malicious ignorance can be masked by passable proofreading. But only just.

Home-schooling does make you weird.

I’m not an environmentalist. I just like things to look pretty, smell pretty and not give people cancer.

I am an atheist, but recognise the need for people – all people – to practice their religions (or lack of) openly in society. I also realise that this is difficult, as each religion (or lack of) has their faction of hate which would render this impossible.

Religion is merely a matter of geography. If I were born in Pakistan, I would pray to Allah. Michigan? God.

‘Liberal’ isn’t a dirty word. We all became the way we are through our life experiences and varying degrees of study. Sometimes these combinations of life experiences and study makes one conservative and other times liberal. The only unacceptable standpoints are those which arise from hatred, ignorance and the wilful disregard of facts. Unfortunately those positions have become the norm.

For the deceitfully religious, leather-wearing fur-haters and cheerleaders: you cannot pick and choose your morality.

Would you kill because of pride? Spiritual pride? Home pride? School pride? Self pride? False pride?

If God protects America (86% Christian), He protects Rwanda (80-93.6%) and Columbia (90% Christian), too.

Youths With a Mission's Method Kamanzi: "Rwanda had been evangelised but not discipled."

And we all know what happened there (genocide.)

A significant portion of the worldwide Christian population would say the same about a significant portion of their Western Christian counterparts. Please, starting now, become disciplined.

I've seen The Pope's Christmas Midnight Mass in the flesh and cried with joy.

I've seen the KKK in the flesh and cried with hatred.

I've seen Abu Hamza in the flesh and cried with fear.

Love,

Munky

Dear the stupid fuckers I call my 'friends',

Dear the stupid fuckers I call my 'friends',

It is official. You are going to have to tolerate 11 days and nights of pure unadulterated Munky-ness starting on 25 March. Deal with it.

Love,
Munky

P.S. Get my 'Big Fuck Off Party' planned.

Dear The Stupid Fuckers at Sainsburys in Camden,

Dear The Stupid Fuckers at Sainsburys in Camden,

My New Year's resolution is that you all perish in a horrific accident and I get to watch.

OK, maybe I don't want you dead. You have families.

Suggestions welcome as to how these absolute cretins should suffer.

Best wishes,
Munky

P.S. This is because you all possess the rare but perpertually irritating attributes of being both fucking stupid and fucking rude.