Dear The Countryside,

Dear The Countryside,

Recent statistics show that you are full of cheep-cheeps and twigs and farmers and piggies and sunshine and funny smells and cider, while Camden is full of cunts. You sound lovely. Indeed, on the few occasions when I have put Camper to your squishy soil, I have found myself roughly 99% less likely to be attacked by someone spitting crack-juice directly into the wound they’ve inflected upon me by coshing me over the head with an iPod. (Although it can sometimes happen in Beaconsfield.)

Consequently, I would like to move myself, Mr Munky and my world-famous silk dress collection into you. In the words of daytime television, I would like to "Escape To The Country". Sadly, it seems that everyone else has beaten me to this - perhaps because they’re all a bunch of bastards who can use their days off work to watch daytime telly and be inspired rather than having dirty cameras shoved up their anuses. Who knows?

Anyway, the upshot of this is that the country seems to be full, and property prices / rent are about as high as Pete Doherty’s stepladder. Nevertheless, I have faith in the internet and the enormous networking circle that anything up to 50 daily visitors (wow!! ahem) bestows upon a blogger. So, if any of you know where I can either buy or rent a beautiful, listed cottage with enormous rooms, gorgeous views, bugger-all commuting time into London and room for several sausage dogs (all for next to no money at all), then please let me know.

Thank you!
Munky xx