Dear Mr Annoying Person,

Dear Mr Annoying Person,

Although I absolutely understand that you are forlorn and looking for female attention, I will not, under any circumstances, have lunch with you. I’d rather have rodents chew off my nipples.

Perhaps it has to do with your absolute lack of table manners, the chewing which is so horrifically reminiscent of cows giving a messy birth or of animals eating their own sick. Perhaps it is how you cough as you belch, attempting to mask the great rumble of burp which shimmies its way up your oesophagus and into the air I breathe. Perhaps it is how you shamelessly forage for elastic nasal mucus in those nostrils of yours, then eat them as if they’re you’re favourite flavour of Hubba Bubba. Or maybe it is how you throw things about to divert attention from your audible passing of rectal gas. Maybe.

Always the best,
Munky